Loving You Is Suicide
by GottaLoveCM
Summary: I dial your number, just in that little hope you will answer, because even if you haven't spoke to me in over 4 months, I need that one last goodbye, because loving you is truly suicide. Oneshot based on the Rihanna song. R&R please. Warnings inside.


**Ok so i know i haven't updated any of my stories in like forever but i have a really bad habit of starting a story, then not writing anymore and coming up with more ideas that i have to write. I have at least 7 chapter one's of stories on my laptop that i just abandoned but trust me, when i get a spare minute i will try and update. Also having a bad case of writers block is not helping seriously. **

**Anyway, this is another one of the many oneshots i decided to write and i was thinking about it today and thought i would come home and upload it. Its based on the song Loving You Is Suicide by Rihanna and if you haven't heard it i totally suggest it because it's a beautiful song seriously. **

**Also, i am one for writing random oneshots and song based oneshots so if you have a song suggestion or even a oneshot idea please tell me because i would be honoured to write my amazing reviewers anything. Just review a suggestion when you review this story (or any for that matter) or even message me because i have my phone all the time in school and reply to everyone. **

**Enjoy and pretty please review!**

**WARNINGS: CHARACTER DEATH AND MENTIONS OF SUICIDE. NO DETAIL KINDA BUT STILL.. **

**Also when reviewing, could you please mention if you want a follow up or not. you will understand at the end like but still please tell me if you do or not. **

* * *

**_Everywhere is still_**

**_everything is restless in my heart_**  
**_I hate the way this feels_**  
**_suddenly I'm scared to be apart._**  
**_The days are dark when you're not around_**  
**_the air is getting hard to breathe_**  
**_I wish that you would just put me down_**  
**_I wish that I could go to sleep_**

_I was not one to break easily. I was not one to lose a battle. But this battle was just not meant to be won. I had fought so hard, fought for a better day, but I can't take it any longer. Ever since the whole Emily ordeal everyone had grown distant from me, unable to truly trust me again, and I completely understood, but I never thought it would hurt as much as it has. I have lost my two best friends who I can always refer to as my sisters, my little genius brother who's statistics could keep me going during a tough case, the only father figure I ever had and one who was so supportive off me through every decision I made, one of the most respectful friends I have ever had the chance to come across and an even better boss, and the love of my life who I could always count on to help me through everything, my one and only soul mate. After our argument he had told me to move on, but he would never stop loving me because no matter what he loved me through thick and thin, but this was just to much to bare, The truth was I could never stop loving him either. And everyday, every night, every minute, every second I think about him, it kills me a little more inside. _

**_Loving you is suicide _**

_I had fought in this never ending battle and just wished it would all end. I had had enough of it and would rather be anywhere else than where I am now. But I am torn. Would it all blow over, or would this carry on for the rest of my life?_

_**I Don't know should I go or should I stay**_  
_**I'm tryna to keep myself alive**_  
_**knowing there's a chance it's all too late**_

_His words drift around my head. Every time he told me he loved me. Every time he had expressed how much he loved me. It's just one thing I can't forget, and I wish that he would understand, I can never forget._

**_But I heard you say you loved me_**  
**_That's the part I can't forget_**  
**_and I wish that you'd come save me_**  
**_cause' I'm standing over the edge_**

_I know it's stupid to hold onto them. Hold onto the hope of them seeing what I saw, but it's just so hard to let go. I tell myself it will blow over, because it's what I want to hear, but I have it completely wrong, because it's not what is going to happen._

**_I should let you go_**  
**_tell myself the things I need to hear_**  
**_but my brain is wired wrong_**

_And because I can't let go, its the reason why I am still here, loving you though your far away. Every word you said to me, every action, I feel like I am drowning, because I can't get away from your words. Every I love you, or every forever and always. I am drowning in all your words and every breathe I take in between, because loving you hurts, but I just can't stop. Everything you said to me in that last goodbye, you have seemed to hit me where it hurts, and it just kills every part of me inside._

**_That's why i'm loving you when you're not here_**  
**_Feels like I drown in your every word_**  
**_and every breath that's in between_**  
**_Somehow you got me where it really hurts_**  
**_And it's killing every part of me_**

_Loving you is like the end of me, but you and me both know that I can't stop. The more I love you, the more my world is breaking around me. I have taken as much as I can take. Loving you is like dragging me deeper and deeper in a pool or sorrow and dread but some say it's stupid, stupid that I still love you even though it's killing me inside out, but they don't understand, that no matter what I do, no matter wherever I go, I just can't stop loving you_

**_loving you is suicide_**  
**_and my world's about to break_**  
**_And I... had as much as I can take_**  
**_and love is a long way down_**

_It gets harder and harder every day and I do try and keep myself going, with the hope that you can seek out forgiveness, but I still have that knowing thought that it is all too late. Despite me being at the end, I am still determined to make it through this, and even know it's taking everything in me, to keep these emotions alive, I will never stop loving you._

**_Loving you is suicide_**  
**_and it's getting harder everyday_**  
**_I'm tryna to keep myself alive_**  
**_knowing there's a chance it's all too late_**  
**_And I'm way past every moment_**  
**_but I'm still determined to fight_**  
**_and I know it's taking all my strength_**  
**_to keep emotion alive_**

_I have the pills ready. I counted out one for everyone I love. One for Penelope, one for Emily, one for Dave, one for Aaron, one for Spence, one for you, one for me and one for hope for a better day. I have the pills in one hand, my bottle of vodka ready and my phone in the other. I dial your number, just in that little hope you will answer, because even if you haven't spoke to me in over 4 months, I need that one last goodbye, **because loving you is truly suicide**_

**_Loving you is suicide_**

Putting down her diary and pen, she took that one last calming breathe before dialling the dreaded number, only with the hope that he will answer. She had over heard the conversation between him and Penelope when he explained why her number was deleted off his phone so she knew he wouldn't recognise the number calling, and that only gave her more hope he will answer. On the third ring his tired voice came through the receiver, reminding her it was in fact 1.47am.

* * *

_"Hello?"_

"Hey Derek..." She knew this wasn't going to be as easy as she wanted it to but she had done it now. No going back.

_What do you want? It's almost 2 in the morning" _

_She could sense his annoyance but pushed it aside, she had to do this, she had to say goodbye._

"I know it's late but I just needed to tell you something"

_"And this couldn't have waited until tomorrow?" _In honesty, he was craving the sound of her voice, he hadn't heard it in so long, but she didn't need to know that.

_"Er- I don't think i'll be in work tomorrow..."_

_"What? Why? And why did you ring me to say this?"_

"Because you're the one I wanted to say goodbye to" This made Derek perk up immediately.

_"Goodbye? Why are you saying goodbye? Are you leaving the BAU?"_

"Not quite Derek. I am leaving, but not pacifically the job"

_"I'm not sure I understand? Do you need me to come round?"_

_"Both you and me know that's not what you want Derek"_

_"No it is what I want. I'm sorry for the way I reacted we have all come to the conclusion we were all pretty stupid. Listen I'll be at your's in like ten minutes"_

"No Derek please don't. I don't want you to see me like that. Please listen to me for once and stay at home. Just know I never stopped loving you... Goodbye" Before he could reply she hung up, leaving a stunned Derek on one end of the phone. He didn't care what she said. He was going to her apartment whether she liked it or not. He had a bad gut feeling, a really bad gut feeling.

* * *

Trying to control the never ending tears, she threw the phone at the wall in annoyance, in the pain his voice had brought to her. Sliding down the wall, her head fell into her hands as sobs wracked her body. Crawling over to her bedside cabinet she grabbed to bottle of vodka and didn't think twice before throwing all eight pills in her mouth and downing five huge gulps of the sour drink. It didn't even take thirty seconds before her head started to swim and her vision was clouded, with tears or darkness she wasn't sure. It took a minute for her limps to give out and after two minutes had passed, she was lying unconscious on the floor, tears still streaming down her face. It had only taken two minutes for the pills to kick in, what could they do in the six minutes it took Derek to reach her apartment?

Derek sped through the traffic lights, happy that the roads were so dead in the early morning. He was six minutes from her apartment and managed continued to swerve cars and trucks on the road as he pressed down harder on the gas. Six painful minutes later, his dark SUV screeched to a halt in her apartment parking lot and he didn't bother locking his car before grabbing his keys and sprinting up the stairs to the third floor, which occupied her apartment. Practically barging into her apartment he called her name, only to be met with silence. Searching her kitchen, living room and office, he was met with only two rooms left. Her spare bedroom and the master bedroom. Taking the latter, he kicked the bedroom door down and gasped at the sight, his heart stopping. There she lay, pale and motionless on the carpet floor, a pill bottle abandoned at her side and a bottle of vodka, half drunken on her bedside cabinet. He eyes drifted for a moment to the pen and open diary on the bed but that could wait, she was more important. Dialling an ambulance and practically screaming at them to hurry, he hung up and fell to her side, tears falling down his dark cheeks. He shook her and begged her to wake, checking for a pulse as he did so. She had one but it was faint. He cried into her long blonde hair, telling her how much he loved her, how he couldn't lose her. But as the paramedics rushed in she took her last breathe, and as they tried to bring her back, her body had given up fighting. It had had enough.

Because** loving him was like suicide, **and not even Jennifer Jareau could over come that.


End file.
